Indonesia Anonymus

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Monday, February 13, 2006

Defender of Our Nation

One day we arrived too early for a meeting. Bored waiting for the rest to arrive, we flipped through some old magazines laying around in the meeting room, hoping to find something interesting.

One article in the old Economist got us talking: To be more effective in the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the American army has created a huge training ground for battle simulations. It's a 200,000 acres of land in the state of Louisiana, with a dozen mock villages and plans for a $50 million mock city.
Since it is a battle simulation, there will be 'enemies'. 160 American soldiers dressed accordingly: As al-Qaeda terrorists based in the forest, or as Taliban insurgents, living in 18 mock villages. Another 800 role-players live with them, acting as western aid workers, journalists, peacekeepers, doctors, etc, all with fake names, histories and characters. Quite elaborate, really.

And read this: Two Hollywood companies have been hired to improve the army's flashes and bangs, and to give acting classes to the role-players[1].

How about that. Looks like Hollywood has reached full circle: Before, Hollywood companies would hire military consultants to help them create a more realistic war scenes on movies. Now, the military hires them to create a more realistic war simulation.

Now here's the kick: What if (and this is a biiiig if) Indonesian military would hire Indonesian TV Drama (or sinetron, in Indonesian) companies to help them with war simulations? How do you think it will turn out?

Below is what we came up with. Feel free to add if you think we miss some. (This is of course only for fun, so do not take it seriously please).

  • There will be a lot of screaming, crying, and cat fighting

  • The 'good guys' will mostly be half-caucasian-metrosexuals, dressed in designers-clothes, and drive expensive cars. The 'enemies' will be badly-groomed men in leather jackets and jeans, drive an old jeep, and laugh incessantly among themselves for no apparent reason. Or, alternatively, the enemy can be a psycothic woman with evil laugh and strange eyebrows, who always talks to herself whenever she comes up with evil plans.

  • The General will set the strategy and make all the decisions, although it will not be quick. Confronted with problems, the General would slowly gaze through the window, staring at the horizon. He would take a long, deep breath and talk about his childhood, his love life and his dreams, before he could make one single decision.

  • Shots will be fired, of course. After all, this is a war simulation. But not too many. Maybe up to three shots in one war simulation is sufficient. The remaining time will be filled with really really tight close-ups, lengthy, unnecessary conversations, and pointless arguments ("you stole my boyfriend !", "NO, he is never your boyfriend!", "Well, he was, before you stole him from me, MOM!")

  • When shots are fired, there will be delays between the actual shooting and the sound of the bang. Sound travels slower in Indonesian TV dramas. So does bullet. There will be a long delay between when the shot was fired, and when it hit the enemy.

  • The enemy who got shot, would then fall to the ground, but did not die right away. He would lie there on the ground, with his hand on his bleeding chest. Although he was shot from the back, his back was fine. In TV dramas, no matter where you are shot, the wound will end up on your chest.

  • It would take another half an hour of talking about love, life and forgiveness before the enemy finally died.

  • In a one-hour war simulation there will be 55 minute-time for developing complicated plots and attack strategies. However, no matter how complicated the enemy's battle strategy is, all will be solved and all enemies will be killed or captured in the last 5 minutes of the simulation.

  • At the end of the simulation, the good guys will walk hand in hand (yes, even when they are all men) to the sunset, the currently-popular hit song will be played, and brands of clothings, furnitures, cars, cellphones and any other merchandise used during the war simulation will be announced.


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[1] The Economist, December 17th-23rd 2005, Page 25, American MIlitary Tactics: How to do better.

12 Comments:

Anonymous agusset said...

"Penasehat spiritual" will accompany the general discussing the war strategy. The "supranatural magic" and "makhluk halus" will dominate the war... "CUT!"

5:05 PM  
Blogger Maya said...

:-D ha..ha..ha..you guys are funny! Lots of imaginations and lots of watching Indonesian TV and movies ;-P Way to go...

agusset, a good one there...I heard that 'penasehat spiritual' in Indonesia is rampant. What's up with that? 'nobody' can use their own senses anymore? I'd like to hear statistics on that one :-)

11:49 PM  
Anonymous roi said...

Well, I do believe that most of our TV viewers would still love your nice-fantasy-scenario. Is that good or bad?

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Sinetron-man said...

why critique us? We make sinetron create jobs for unemployment.
You only just comment.

You say:
"The 'good guys' will mostly be half-caucasian-metrosexuals, dressed in designers-clothes..."
WRONG. Anwar Fuadi wear designer shirt,but he play badguy sometime.

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Benjamin said...

Yo Sinetron-man,
Who the f*ck is Anwar Fuadi?
And who gives a sh*t of what he wears?

6:08 PM  
Blogger roi said...

heeyyy...
don't forget about theme song, it should be taken from Peter Pan or Gigi or other popular band
and of course, we always can hear a same typical boring back sound during climax conversation scene or during fighting scene

1:36 PM  
Anonymous rifie said...

Hehe.. the heterosexual and The General in that scene will fun to see.. :)

1:37 AM  
Anonymous boywashington said...

here's another thing would happen :
- there'll be a grouped dacing (a.k.a poco-poco) by the forces celebrating their victory and all top brass will be involved.

how's that sounds ?

11:00 PM  
Anonymous agayguy said...

At the end of the simulation, the good guys will walk hand in hand (yes, even when they are all men) to the sunset

---------

Does it mean homosexuality is accpted in indonesia (if I'm not mistaken, it's 90% moslems, right?)?

If yes, that's a good news. I might consider about moving to Indonesia with my gay couple.

6:41 AM  
Anonymous calista said...

haha..that was a hilarious post.And don't forget, the presence of a cruel "ibu tiri" vs a kind-hearted "ibu peri" is a must..

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Rusdy said...

This is a cracker!

Thanks to the new feature of 'Google Reader', your blog somehow made it to the top recommended subscription list.

After reading all your entries (yes, at work, should be doing work!!!!), came to this point (a year has passed), I still can't believe that the 'sinetron' problem still persist to this day!

Unbelievable! Who would thought, that Indonesia IS actually consistent? (Yes, calista is right, even the 'ibu tiri' still consistent too!!)

Nothing new under the sun heh?

9:18 AM  
Anonymous Kitorun said...

Psst, watch out!!! the malaysians will copy this to their blogs, either for laughing our stupidy or to be owned as cultural asset.

8:43 PM  

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